Memories of a novice about fasting with Vladyka Nicholai Velimirovic

 

“The next day, early in the morning, Bishop Nicholas ordered me to move the goats and boards for the bed from the barn to my room. Before that, I carefully wiped them from sawdust and dust. While I knocked the bed down, Vladyka called the cook and told him:

- Philip, from now on and until I call you, you can be free. Your salary will go like working days.

He dismissed the cook, and when we were alone, he said:

- You want to become a monk, Dobriva. If you are a man, be capable of a feat.

- I'm here, Vladyka. I survived the war, hunger, courted madmen, endured a mad young man. So I will try to accomplish the feat you are talking about.

- It is easy, Dobriva, to fight with people and endure what you need to endure at all costs. But now you have to grapple with yourself, try to overcome your own will. Bear in mind this: billions of people tremble in front of their bodies, caress it, obey it. Are you ready?

- I'm here, Vladyka. Instruct!

I thought then that there could be no pressure that I could withstand. I was young, strong, hardened and self-confident, and also proud of the realization that I was about to experience something unusual and great, and that I would prove to Vladyka that I was worth something!

From early in the morning, Vladyka forbade me to eat anything and even drink water. On that day, as usual, we packed books, inscribed addresses and took the parcels to the post office, and in the evening we prayed as follows: first we made three hundred prostrations, then sang to the Most Holy Theotokos, at the end we knelt and began to pray.

In Vladyka's chambers, there was a clock that struck every quarter of an hour. For two full hours we prayed in front of the icons on our knees on the carpet. Vladyka tied something up on his right knee so that it would be easier for him to endure the bows. My knees hurt to such an extent that I just had to lean on the floor with my hands and shut up. Since I was behind, Vladyka did not see anything. Then we prayed while standing. We prayed in silence.

- Pray wisely, do not use your tongue, son. God knows our thoughts. Fasting is meaningless without prayer. But it can even hurt.

Night fell, but we not only did not taste the bread, but also did not touch the water. The next day everything happened again. I suffered hunger and thirst, worked, prayed and was silent. On the third day it became very difficult. It was not the first time for me to endure hunger, but thirst did not have any strength not to think. At times the mind was clouded. In the evening I could no longer pray, so Nikolai let me go early. Vladyka himself remained to pray. When I woke up, I saw him praying. God knows when and how this person sleeps.

On the fourth day, the whole body was burning with fire. Especially my front wounds were affected. The scars darkened and looked terrible. I often went to the open window and drank the fresh air like spring water.

On the fifth day, I seemed unbearably stinking to myself. The lips were glued together, they were salty, and the drool looked like some kind of pus, which I spat endlessly.

On the seventh day, the transformation came. The blush returned, the pain left me completely. But I myself was nervous and could not sleep. I was trembling and thirsty. And then for the first time I realized that I could not stand it anymore. I tried to be brave, to cheer myself up with heroic thoughts, but deep down I already knew for sure that my strength had come to an end. It was then that I decided to pack my things and leave Vladyka Nicholai.

I lied to him that I needed to go out, but he himself dashed headlong into his room and got ready in a hurry. When I turned around, I saw Vladyka Nicholai in the doorway, who took me by the shoulders, turned me around and ordered me to unpack. I was so agitated that I don't remember at all what happened next. I only remember that I asked Vladyka to let me go, or at least give me some water to drink, that in despair I sobbed. Saint Nicholai just took me by the ear, like a schoolboy, and took me to his chambers.

- Baba. You wanted to be a monk. Full of dirt - both in the soul and in the blood, but you were going to become something! Didn't you feel the stench of your internal slops? If you want what is good for yourself, if you want here on earth to feel the reflections of the Kingdom of Heaven, then sit, do your job, and pray as you are prompted!

Until the eleventh day he did not allow me to leave for a minute. Then I was going to run again. I decided not to pack anything, but to break free from the Vladyka's chambers and run. But Vladyka again intercepted me at the very doorway. Begged him to stop this torture. Then he handed me a flask and ordered me to wash it and fill it with water.

I grabbed the flask and rushed to the tap outside. I opened it to the full and swallowed sweet water until I came to mysself. Then I washed the flask, filled it with water and brought it to Vladyka. He asked me:

- Drunk?

- Yes, Right Reverend.

- Well, if so. And now, son, I want to ask you something. Do not rush to answer, think carefully, at least for an hour. Answer: why did you want to spy on me? If you answer the truth, you will be my student. If you're lying, go away.

“I don’t need to ponder for a long time, Vladyka! The same that I could say later, I will say now. I was wondering what Vladyka does when he is alone!

- Eh, son, these days you were with me, and you saw everything yourself. There is no longer any reason to peep through the gap.

I begged him to let me go, so that I could live like ordinary monks, I thought that I could not stand it any longer without food and drink. I went through two wars, through many lands, I saw everything, but obedience to Vladyka Nicholai seemed to me beyond my strength. He didn't let me go.

- When your consciousness starts to be cloudy, I will give you some water. If you take one sip every hour, your head will stop spinning.

And he himself did not even look in the direction of the flask! He did not even wet his lips. And he continued the prayer rule calmly and measuredly as if on the first day of this test. But I didn’t have any prayer in my head: my whole being was concentrated around two things: “how can I survive until tomorrow !?” and "how to find some way to get away from Vladyka?" He, of course, understood this, so he was always on the lookout: during the day he was at the door, and ordered my bed to be moved to the corner of the room farthest from the exit.

We received letters through the window, and through it we passed parcels sent to the post office. Withstood another five days without food, but with a little drink. The hunger strike lasted sixteen days. On the seventeenth day, we heard the sound of an engine and saw an approaching car through the window.

- Oh, our guests. Rejoice, Dobriva! If not for them, abstinence would have lasted up to thirty full days.

He left the room, washed, changed into formal clothes and began to wait for the arrival of those arriving. He called Philip the cook and instructed him to bring trout, wine, and other things necessary for dinner.

“And also, bring "our food ”for the two of us.

The cook already knew from his own experience what exactly and how to feed Vladyka after such long and harsh fasts. Only on the third day after the end of complete abstinence, we began to eat more or less solid and strong food. When, after a few days, I completely came to my senses, I felt lightness and readiness to move mountains. Since then, the wounds did not bother me anymore, as if there were no fragments and bullets. Hunger purified the blood, and the blood purified the body of sores. It was then that I understood the power of abstinence. "

Vladyka clearly demonstrated to the future monk the power and meaning of ascetic deeds. But Dobriva also remembered that hunger without prayer is extremely harmful, for an undignified ascetic will either be angry or proud. "